A Christmas Story (1983)

Share this quote on facebook Some men are Baptists, others Catholics. My father was an Oldsmobile man.

Share this quote on facebook In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.

Share this quote on facebook Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.

Share this quote on facebook Over the years, I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preferences for Lux, but, I found that Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor. Heady, but with a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand... (Yechh!)

Share this quote on facebook Now I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But I chickened out. And I blurted out the first name that came to mind.

Share this quote on facebook Of course! Santa! The big man! The head honcho! The connection! [chuckles] Oh, my mother had truly messed up this time!

Share this quote on facebook Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! We were trapped. There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So help me, God, yellow eyes!

Share this quote on facebook Aha! The Bumpus hounds! Da-da-da-da-da-da! Our hillbilly neighbors, the Bumpuses, had at least 785 smelly hound dogs and they ignored every human being on earth, except my old man.

Share this quote on facebook Every family has a kid who won't eat. My kid brother had not eaten voluntarily in over three years!

Share this quote on facebook Let's face it, most of us are scoffers. But moments before zero hour, it did not pay to take chances.

Share this quote on facebook I left Flick to certain annihilation. But BB Gun mania knows no loyalty.

Share this quote on facebook My old man's spare tires were actually just tires in the academic sense. They were round; they had once been made of rubber.

Share this quote on facebook [After Mother breaks the Old Man's Major Award, and he is unsuccessful at repairing it] With as much dignity as he could muster, the Old Man gathered up the sad remains of his shattered Major Award. Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of "Taps" being played. Gently.

Share this quote on facebook [After the Christmas turkey is stolen by the neighbors' dogs] The heavenly aroma still hung in the house. But it was gone, all gone! No turkey! No turkey sandwiches! No turkey salad! No turkey gravy! Turkey Hash! Turkey a la King! Or gallons of turkey soup! Gone, ALL GONE!

Share this quote on facebook Was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his Peacemaker?!

Share this quote on facebook We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.

Share this quote on facebook Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at its zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.

Share this quote on facebook There has never been a kid who didn't believe that he would be stricken blind before he reached twenty-one, and then they'd be sorry!

Share this quote on facebook Adults loved to say things like that but kids knew better. We knew darn well it was always better not to get caught.

Share this quote on facebook You used up all the glue on purpose!

Share this quote on facebook NADDAFINGA!! (Not a finger!!)

Share this quote on facebook GO on! Have a chew fellows on me! It is my gift!

Share this quote on facebook That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!

Share this quote on facebook Aha aha, it's a clinkerrrrrrr!!! That blasted, stupid furnace. Dadgummit! [Goes down stairs; falling sound is heard] Damn skates! [Coughs] For cripes sake, open up that damper, will you?! Who the hell turned it all the way down?! AGAIN?!!!

Share this quote on facebook SONS A BITCHIN'! BUMPUSES!!!

Share this quote on facebook [Reading sign on wooden crate] Fraa-jeel-aay! Huh! Must be Italian!

Share this quote on facebook [After the Bumpus hounds steal the Parkers' turkey] All right, everybody upstairs, get dressed. We are going out to eat.

Share this quote on facebook It's a beautiful duck. It really is. But you see..... it's.... smiling at me.

Share this quote on facebook He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.

Share this quote on facebook He looks like a pink nightmare!

Share this quote on facebook Didn't I get a tie this year?

Share this quote on facebook [to Randy] I promise, Daddy is not going to kill Ralphie!

Share this quote on facebook [to Ralphie] You'll shoot your eye out!

Share this quote on facebook That's ridiculous! Jealous? Jealous of what?! That is... the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!!!

Share this quote on facebook [to Randy] Well, put your arms down when you get to school.

Share this quote on facebook Icicles have been known to KILL people!

Share this quote on facebook Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double beetloaf. I hate meatloaf.

Share this quote on facebook [Admiring the presents under the tree] Wow a truck! That's mine!! [Points to a box] WOW look there! That's mine! [Feels a very hard present] What's in here? Oh, it's hard. Fire Truck. OH BOY! That's mine!

Share this quote on facebook [hiding under a kitchen sink, crying] Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie!

Share this quote on facebook Schwartz: Hey, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says that it'll freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya.

Share this quote on facebook Ralphie: [after cracking a secret code, reading it] Be sure to...drink your... Ovaltine. Ovaltine?! A crummy commercial?! Son of a bitch!

Share this quote on facebook Scut Farkus: [to Ralphie] Listen, jerk! When I tell you to come, you better come! [Ralphie starts quivering] What? Are you gonna cry now? Cry, cry for me crybaby! Cry! [begins mock crying and laughing]

Share this quote on facebook Shopper: [to Ralphie] Young man! Hey kid! Just where do you think you're going?!

Share this quote on facebook Ralphie: [to Shopper] Going up to see Santa Claus.

Share this quote on facebook Shopper: [to Ralphie] The line ends here. It begins there. [Points to the end of a very long line]

Share this quote on facebook Santa Claus: [To Ralphie] How about a nice, uh... football?

Share this quote on facebook Ralphie: [As narrator] Football? What's a football? Without conscious will my voice squeaked out "football".

Share this quote on facebook Santa Claus: Okay, get him out of here.

Share this quote on facebook Ralphie: [As narrator] A football!? Oh, no! What was I doing!? Wake up, stupid! Wake up!

Share this quote on facebook Ralphie: [As child] NO! [climbs back up exit slide] No, no; I want an official Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot-range model air rifle! [smiles hopefully at Santa]

Share this quote on facebook Santa Claus: [to Ralphie] You'll shoot your eye out, kid. Merry Christmas. Ho. Ho. Ho.

Share this quote on facebook Ralphie: [smile fades to shock as Santa pushes Ralphie down the exit slide] NOOOOOO!!

Share this quote on facebook Randy: [wailing] I can't put my arms down! [continues bawling, as Mother tries unsuccessfully to put his arms down]
Mother: Well, put your arms down when you get to school. [winds scarf around Randy's neck, as he resumes wailing]

Share this quote on facebook [During recess at school, Ralphie, Flick, Schwartz and other kids are outside, standing beside the flagpole]
Flick: You're full of beans, and so is your old man.
Schwartz: Oh, yeah?
Flick: Yeah!
Schwartz: Says who?
Flick: Says me!
Schwartz: Oh, yeah?
Flick: Yeah!
Schwartz: Well, I double-dare ya!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] The exact exchange and nuance of phrase in this ritual is very important.
Flick: Huh! Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb.
Schwartz: That's 'cause you know it'll stick!
Flick: You're full of it!
Schwartz: Oh, yeah?
Flick: Yeah!
Schwartz: Well I double dog-dare ya!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Now it was serious. A double dog-dare. What else was left but a "triple-dare you"? And finally, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple dog-dare.
Flick: [over narrator's voice] This guy's really dumb.
Schwartz: I triple dog-dare ya!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Hmm. Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple-dare and going right for the throat!
Flick: All right, all right.
[Flick sighs and hesitantly sticks his tongue out]
Schwartz: Oh, go on, smart-ass, and do it!
Flick: [tongue out] I'm goin', I'm goin'!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Flick's spine stiffened, his lips curled in a defiant sneer. There was no going back now.
Flick: [puts his tongue on pole] This is nothin'. [tries to pull off, but can't and realizes Schwartz was right.] Stuck? Stuck?! STUCK! STUCK! [he starts screaming and bawling]
Schwartz: Jeez! It really works! Look at him!
[the school bell rings and the students run back to the school except Flick, who keeps bawling]
Flick: Ralphie, come back! Come back! Don't leave me, come back!
Ralphie: But the bell rang!
Schwartz: Well, what are we gonna do?!
Ralphie: I don't know, the bell rang!
Flick: Don't leave me, come back! Come back, come back! [he bawls as he is still stuck to the pole]

Share this quote on facebook Mr. Parker: What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
Mother: Ah... Victor! His name is Victor.
Mr. Parker: How the hell did you know that?
Mother: Everybody knows that!
Mother: Is this another one of your silly puzzles?
Mr. Parker: Yeah, another one of my silly puzzles. This one could be worth fifty thousand bucks.
Mother: What is it this time?
Mr. Parker: Name the great characters in American literature.
Mrs. Parker: Victor?
Mr. Parker: Yeah.
Mrs. Parker: The Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?

Share this quote on facebook Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle.
Ralphie: Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store!
[Everyone stares at Ralphie]
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.

Share this quote on facebook Mrs. Parker: [from downstairs] Ralphie! Randy! Down here in two minutes! And I mean two minutes!
[Randy runs first to the drawer, and Ralphie pushes him aside]
Randy: Come on, Ralphie, I got here first!
Ralphie: Tough!
[Randy starts kicking and hitting Ralphie from behind while Ralphie is at the dresser pulling a pair of socks out of the drawer and finishes]
Ralphie: Cut it out! [He leaves to put his Boy's Life Red Ryder magazine in his mother's magazine in their room]

Share this quote on facebook Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] A "C+"?! Oh, no! It can't be!
Ralphie: "C+"?
Miss Shields: [as the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz] C+! [cackling] C+!
[Ralphie looks down to see "P.S. You'll shoot your eye out!"]
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Oh, no! "You'll shoot your eye out"?
Ralphie: Oh, no.
Ralphie as Adult: My mother must've gotten to Miss Shields! There could be no other explanation!
Miss Shields and Mrs. Parker: [sing-song; Mrs. Parker dressed as a jester] You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out! [both laugh mockingly]
Ralphie as Adult: Was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his Peacemaker?!

Share this quote on facebook [During Ralphie's daydream where he has gone blind]
Mrs. Parker: Why, it's Ralph!
Mr. Parker: Well, come on in, Ralph. Where have you been?
Mrs. Parker: Why... he's carrying a cane!
Mr. Parker: What is it, Ralph? What happened?
Mrs. Parker: Why, he's... blind!
Mr. Parker: Blind? Oh, my God!
Randy: Ralphie!
Mrs. Parker: Ralph, is this something WE did?
Mr. Parker: What brought you to this lowly state?
Mrs. Parker: Ralph, please tell us, no matter how it hurts. What did we DO?
Ralphie: Look, I can't.
Mrs. Parker: Oh, please, Ralph.
Mr. Parker: Please.
Mrs. Parker: I must know what we did. What brought you to this?
Mr. Parker: Please.
Mrs. Parker: Please... Please?
Ralphie: It... it was...
Mrs. Parker: Yes? ...Yes?
Ralphie: Soap... poisoning!
[Mr. & Mrs. Parker begin wailing]
Mr. Parker: How could we do it?
Ralphie: Well, I'll manage to get along... somehow.
Mrs. Parker: I'll never forgive myself.
Ralphie: Thanks, Mom.
Mr. Parker: I told you not to use Lifebuoy! Oh, I feel awful!

Share this quote on facebook Mr. Parker: [admiring Randy sleeping in the mess of gift wrap] My gosh, would you look at that mess? Who's going to clean the papers up?
Ralphie: Not me.
Mr. Parker: Oh, really? Randy did it last year.
Ralphie: Well, he can do it again.
Mr. Parker: You know, this wine ain't bad. You want a sip?
Ralphie: Yeah.
Mrs. Parker: No, you don't. Did you have a nice Christmas?
Ralphie: Yeah, pretty nice.
Mr. Parker: Yeah? Did you get everything you wanted?
Ralphie: [thinking about not getting the BB gun] Well, almost.
Mr. Parker: Almost, huh? Well, that's life. Well, there's always next Christmas.
Ralphie: Yep.
Mr. Parker: [feigns a surprised look] Hey. That's funny. What's that over there behind the desk?
Ralphie: Where?
Mr. Parker: Uh...behind the desk against the wall over there... Go check it out. Go on.
[Ralphie goes to the desk and pulls out a large present]
Mrs. Parker: What did we put over there, honey?
Mr. Parker: [stammers] Uh, Santa Claus probably put it.
Ralphie: [opens gift to see a Red Ryder BB gun] WOW!
[Mrs. Parker is not pleased at the sight of the BB gun]
Mr. Parker: [laughs] Do you know how to load it?
Ralphie: Yeah. [loads gun]
Mr. Parker: C-careful. They run all over. Close it up. Close it up.
Ralphie: [delighted] Can I...Can I try it out, Ma? Can I?
Mr. Parker: Sure.
Mrs. Parker: [reluctantly] Okay. But outside. Oh... I still say those things are dangerous. [Ralphie leaves] No, no! Put on your galoshes and your coat. It's cold out! [looks at Mr. Parker, not pleased]
Mr. Parker: But...I had one when I was eight years old.
Mrs. Parker: What if he hurts himself? Ralphie, your coat! Don't shoot any animals or birds.
Mr. Parker: Except the Bumpuses' dogs!
Mrs. Parker: Oh, hush. Be careful, Ralphie!

Share this quote on facebook Waiters in Chinese Restaurant: (singing) Deck the harrs with bows of horry, Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra! 'Tis the season to be jorry, Fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra!
Lead waiter: (To waiters) No, no, no! Not ra ra ra ra ra, la la la la la. Sing like this: (singing) Deck the halls with boughs of holly / Fa la la la la la la la la. (Speaking) Try again.
Waiters: (Singing) Deck the harrs with bows of horry...
Lead waiter: No, no, no, stop! Sing something else.
Waiters: (Singing) Jingre Bears, Jingre Bears, Jingre Arr the Way! Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sreigh
Lead waiter: No! Stop! Kitchen. Bring food. For customers.

Share this quote on facebook A Tribute to the Original, Traditional, One-Hundred-Percent, Red-Blooded, Two-Fisted, All-American Christmas...

Share this quote on facebook Peace, Harmony, Comfort, And Joy... Maybe Next Year.

Share this quote on facebook 'Tis Better To Give Than To Receive.