Better Off Dead... (1985)

Share this quote on facebook Gee, I'm really sorry your mom blew up, Ricky. Doctor says she'll be okay, but she won't be able to eat any spicy foods for awhile.

Share this quote on facebook She only speaks French, Roy. She doesn't speak imbecile.

Share this quote on facebook I gotta go, the Christmas tree is on fire. [hangs up the phone.]

Share this quote on facebook I've been going to this high school for seven and a half years. I'm no dummy. I know high school girls.

Share this quote on facebook Greendale is a bodaciously small town, Lane. A fly speck on the map - a rest stop on the way to the ski slope. I can't even get real drugs here!

Share this quote on facebook Suicide is never the answer, little trooper.

Share this quote on facebook The K-12 dude. You make a gnarly run like that and girls will get sterile just looking at you.

Share this quote on facebook This is pure snow. It's everywhere! Have you any idea what the street value of this mountain is?

Share this quote on facebook [giving skiing instructions] Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn.

Share this quote on facebook I think all you need is a small taste of success, and you will find it suits you.

Share this quote on facebook Jenny Myer: [ladling an unidentifiable gelatinous substance onto dinner plates] I got the recipe from a magazine. The mail got wet in the rain, so some of the pages ran together, but what I couldn't read I just... improvised with my own little... creative ideas. It's got raisins in it. You like raisins.

Share this quote on facebook Barney Rubble: [on TV] Hey there, Lane. I know this is a little awkward, me being a cartoon and all, I was just wondering how you'd feel if I took out Beth? [laughs]

Share this quote on facebook Tree Trimmer: [After Lane falls into a dump truck when trying to commit suicide off of a bridge] Man, that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that.

Share this quote on facebook Jenny Myer: How was your day?
Lane Myer: Beth just dumped me.
Jenny Myer: Oh, that's nice.

Share this quote on facebook Lane Myer: Johnny...
Johnny: Four weeks, twenty papers, that's two dollars. Plus tip.
Lane Myer: Gee Johnny, I don't have a dime.
Johnny: Didn't ask for a dime. Two dollars.
Lane Myer: Well... it's funny see... my mom, had to leave early to take my brother to school and my dad to work cuz...
Johnny: Two dollars... cash.
Lane Myer: See... the problem here is that... my little brother, this morning, got his arm caught in the microwave, and uh... my grandmother dropped acid and she freaked out, and hijacked a school bus full of... penguins, so it's kind of a family crisis... so come back later? Great.

Share this quote on facebook Monique Junot: I thought if Casanova and I in there had nothing to say to each other, he'd get bored -- go away. Instead he uses it as a chance to put his testicles all over me!
Lane Myer: Sorry, what?
Monique Junot: Uh, how you say... octopus... testicles.
Lane Myer: No, tentacles. N-T. There's a big difference.

Share this quote on facebook Lane Myer: I have a great fear of tools. I once made a birdhouse in woodshop and the fair housing committee condemned it. I can't.
Monique Junot: "I cannot do it" is your middle name.

Share this quote on facebook Yee Sook Ree: [imitating Howard Cosell] Truly a sight to behold. A man beaten. The once great champ, now, a study in mopishness. No longer the victory hungry stallion we've raced so many times before, but a pathetic, washed up, aged ex-champion.
Lane Myer: Alright let's go!
[Crashes]

Share this quote on facebook Charles De Mar: Wait, wait a minute... [starts to snort snow off his top hat] Oh. Oh! Ugh! Outrageous! I think I just froze the left half of my brain! Look! I can't move my right arm!
Lane Myer: This isn't funny, Charles! If I don't have a dream, I have nothing!
Charles De Mar: Ah, come on! It's Christmas Eve! I could be home right now, drinking this monster eggnog my brother makes with lighter fluid.

Share this quote on facebook Insanity doesn't run in the family, it gallops

Share this quote on facebook Teenage life has never been darker...or funnier...

Share this quote on facebook I want my two dollars!

Share this quote on facebook Demian Slade - Johnny Gasparini

Share this quote on facebook Scooter Stevens - Badger Meyer

Share this quote on facebook Laura Waterbury - Mrs. Smith