Deadpool (2016)

Share this quote on facebook Maximum effort!

Share this quote on facebook [in the middle of a fight] Ssssshit. Did I leave the stove on?

Share this quote on facebook [after a gunfight where he kills a bunch of henchmen with just 12 bullets, he brings the barrels to his nose and inhales the smell of gunpowder] Ahhhhhhhhh. I'm touching myself tonight.

Share this quote on facebook [losing bullets] 10! Shit! 9! Fuck! 8! Shit-fuck!

Share this quote on facebook You're clowning... you're not clowning? I sense clowns.

Share this quote on facebook [Tries to shoot a motorcycle-riding goon, and fails] Bad Deadpool. [casually] 7. [shoots a wounded goon dead] Good Deadpool.

Share this quote on facebook [Walks by Blind Al and farts] Hashtag, "#driveby."

Share this quote on facebook [before a montage where he asks Ajax's henchpeople where he is, and kills them when they don't answer] This shit's gonna have nuts in it!

Share this quote on facebook [when entering a taxi cab] And we all know how this turned out. [scene fast-forwards VHS-like past the fighting scene, up to Wade Wilson on a bed, masturbating with a toy unicorn in his free hand] Whoops! Heh, you weren't meant to see that! [scene fast-forwards all the way to where the actual movie left off with Deadpool lying in a pile of garbage in a truck] There. All caught up.

Share this quote on facebook [to a henchwoman] This is confusing! Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line gets real [cocks his pistol] blurry!

Share this quote on facebook TELL ME WHERE YOUR FUCKING BOSS IS, OR YOU'RE GONNA DIE! [we see how slowly the Zamboni is moving; he's actually about half the rink away from his victim] IN FIVE MINUTES!

Share this quote on facebook [puts a red-hot car cigarette lighter onto henchman's forehead, then shoves it into the henchman's mouth] I've never said this, but don't swallow.

Share this quote on facebook You may be wondering, "Why the red suit?" Well, that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. [Points to a henchman] This guy's got the right idea! He wore the brown pants.

Share this quote on facebook [after skewering and lifting a henchman with his katanas] You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie, but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kebab!" Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is: a love story. And to tell it right, I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex…

Share this quote on facebook [after successfully killing a henchman and puts his katanas away] Now, if I were a 200 pound sack of assholes named Francis, where would I hide?

Share this quote on facebook [before the final battle with Ajax] Time to make the chimi-fuckin'-changas!

Share this quote on facebook Not often a dude ruins your face, skull-stomps your sanity, grabs your future baby mama, and personally sees to four of your five shittiest moments. Let's just say… it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Share this quote on facebook [Sees Angel Dust preparing to jump down] Superhero landing! She's gonna do a superhero landing, wait for it! [Angel Dust jumps down and lands in a crouch on one knee with a fist on the ground, Iron Man-style] [Claps] Wooo! Superhero landing! You know, that's really hard on your knees. Totally impractical, they all do it.

Share this quote on facebook [From trailer] I've played a lot of roles. "Damsel-in-distress" ain't one of them!

Share this quote on facebook [after Wade's diagnosis] I just realized something: You win. Your life is officially way more fucked up than mine.

Share this quote on facebook [seeing Deadpool's scarred face for the first time] After a brief adjustment period and a bunch of drinks, it's a face…I'd be happy to sit on.

Share this quote on facebook I was a patient here once myself, you know. The treatment affects everyone differently. It made Angel inhumanly strong. In my case, it enhanced my reflexes. Also scorched my nerve endings, so I no longer feel pain. In fact, I no longer feel anything.

Share this quote on facebook This is how it's going to work. Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum, so we're going to have to make you suffer. If you're lucky, your mutant genes will activate and manifest in spectacular fashion. If not, well, we'll have to keep hurting you. In new and different ways, each more painful than the last. Until you finally mutate. Or die.

Share this quote on facebook You know the funniest part of all this? You still think we're making you a superhero. You, a dishonorable discharge, hip-deep in hookers? You're nothing. Little secret, Wade: this workshop doesn't make superheroes, we make super slaves. We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder. Who knows what they'll have you do? Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters... maybe just mow the occasional lawn.

Share this quote on facebook [repeated line] What's my name?

Share this quote on facebook Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up, or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut?

Share this quote on facebook You don't wanna kill me. I'm the only one who can fix your ugly mug!

Share this quote on facebook Fucking Wade Wilson. Suppose I'd wear a mask, too, if I had a face like that. I only wish I'd heal the same.

Share this quote on facebook Oh, and that guy over there came in looking for you. Real "Grim Reaper" type. I dunno, might further the plot.

Share this quote on facebook Deadpool. That sounds like a fucking franchise.

Share this quote on facebook Wade, we have a fucking problem, and by "we", I mean "you".

Share this quote on facebook [When Deadpool leaves for the climatic fight] I'd go with you...but I don't want to.

Share this quote on facebook [To Blind Al, after Deadpool leaves, saying he hid a stash of cocaine] Wanna get fucked up?

Share this quote on facebook Strip club DJ (Stan Lee): You can't buy love, but you can rent it for three minutes!

Share this quote on facebook Wade: Do you happen to know a Meghan "Orflowsky"- gettin' that right? "Orflasky"? "Orlovsy"? [Jeremy nods] Yeah? Good. 'Cause she knows you. Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down. And little Meghan, she's not made of money, but lucky for her, I got a soft spot.
Jeremy: [nervously] I'm, uh–
Wade: A stalker. [points his knife at Jeremy] Threats hurt, Jer, though not nearly as much as serrated steel. So keep away from Meghan. Cool?
Jeremy: Yes– Yes, sir.
Wade: Then we're done. [puts the knife away]
Jeremy: Wait, we... we are?
Wade: Yeah, totally done! [to Merchant, as they both start laughing] You should have seen your face!
Merchant: I didn't know what to do. I was so scared!
Wade: Soft spot, remember? [suddenly grabs Jeremy by the neck and throws him up against a wall] You even look in her general direction again, and you'll learn in the worst of ways that I have some hard spots, too. [pauses for a moment] That came out wrong. Or did it? [kisses Jeremy on the cheek as he whimpers]

Share this quote on facebook Vanessa: Hey, hands off the merchandise.
Wade: Merchandise, huh? So, you, uh... bump fuzzies for money?
Vanessa: Yup.
Wade: Rough childhood?
Vanessa: Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born.
Wade: Daddy left before I was conceived.
Vanessa: Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?
Wade: Where else do you put one out?
Vanessa: I was molested.
Wade: Me too. Uncle.
Vanessa: Uncles. They took turns.
Wade: I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet, which also happens to be my–
Vanessa: Your bedroom. Lucky, I slept in a dishwasher box.
Wade: [gasps] You had a dishwasher? I didn't even know sleep. It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix, and clown porn.
Vanessa: [laughs] Who would do such a thing?
Wade: Hopefully you, later tonight? Hey, what can I get for, [looks at his wallet] uh, $275 and a... Yogurtland rewards card?
Vanessa: Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. [takes the rewards card, sticks it in Wade's mouth] And a low-fat dessert.

Share this quote on facebook [Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead set out to apprehend Deadpool]
Colossus: I've given Deadpool every chance to join us, but he'd rather act like a child. A heavily armed child. When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man?
Negasonic: Which benefits? The matching unitards? The house that blows up every few years?
Colossus: Please. House blowing up builds character. You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfast is most important meal of day. [gives Negasonic an energy bar] Here, protein bar. Good for bones. Deadpool may try to break yours.

Share this quote on facebook Deadpool: Okay, let's pro/con this superhero thing. Pro: they pull down a gaggle of ass, local dry cleaning discounts, lucrative film deals, both origin stories and larger ensemble team movies. Con: they're all lame-ass teacher's pets!
Colossus: You know I can hear you?
Deadpool: Wasn't talking to you! [points at the camera] I was talking to them!

Share this quote on facebook Deadpool: And you are?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
Deadpool: Negasonic Teenage wwwWHAT THE SHIT?! That's the coolest name ever! So what, you're like, uh, his sidekick?
Colossus: No, trainee.
Deadpool: Let me guess. X-Men left you behind on, what, shit detail?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: What does that make you?
Deadpool: Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. Can we trade names?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Can we go?
Deadpool: "Look! I'm a teenage girl! I'd rather be anywhere than here! I'm all about long sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silences!" So what's it gonna be, huh? Long sullen silence, or mean comment? Go on.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: [deadpan] You got me in a box here.
Deadpool: AH-HA!

Share this quote on facebook Blind Al: Why such a douche this morning?
Wade: Let's recap! The cockthistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today. [Looks at his bloody stump of a left hand] Arm. Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back and prevent this shit from happening to someone else, so yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo. [walks out while holding a toy unicorn and farting on Blind Al] Hashtag, #driveby.

Share this quote on facebook Weasel: [looking for Vanessa] Have you decided what you're gonna say to her?
Wade: [to himself, frustrated] Fuck me...!!
Weasel: Uh, maybe not start with that.

Share this quote on facebook Vanessa: [after Angel Dust rips the tape off her mouth] Thanks, dickless. [to Ajax] And I mean you.
Ajax: Wow, you're a talker, too. You and Wade.
Vanessa: I've been trying to tell you assholes, you got the wrong girl! My old boyfriend, he's dead.
Ajax: See, I thought that, too. But he keeps on coming back. Like a cockroach, but uglier. Now, I may not feel, but he does. Let's see how he fights with your head on the block.

Share this quote on facebook Dopinder: Who brought this twinkly man?
Deadpool: Twinkly... but deadly. My chrome-penised friend back there has agreed to do me this solid. In exchange, I told him I would consider joining his boy-band.
Colossus: Is not boy-band!
Deadpool: Sure it's not.

Share this quote on facebook Deadpool: Finish fucking her the fuck up!
Colossus: [annoyed] Language, please!
Deadpool: [angrily] Suck a cock!

Share this quote on facebook Deadpool: Well, I hope they blocked pain to your every last nerve - 'cause I'mma go lookin'!
Ajax: I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade. When I'm finished, parts will have to grow you back.
Deadpool: Good one. [to camera] Yup, that was a good one. [to Ajax] Let's dance. And by "dance", I mean let's try to kill each other!

Share this quote on facebook With great power comes great irresponsibility.

Share this quote on facebook Witness the beginning of a happy ending

Share this quote on facebook Bad ass. Smart ass. Great ass.

Share this quote on facebook A new class of superhero.

Share this quote on facebook Sit on this

Share this quote on facebook Wait 'til you get a load of me

Share this quote on facebook Size matters

Share this quote on facebook Feel the love this Valentine's Day

Share this quote on facebook Justice has a new face