Never Give a Sucker an Even Break (1941)

Share this quote on facebook [to a pretty girl] Hi ya tootie-pie. Everything under control? [the girl's boyfriend punches him] All five of 'em hit me at once.

Share this quote on facebook [after a waitress pours water in his lap] No extra charge for the cold shower I hope.

Share this quote on facebook I don't know why I ever come in here - The flies get the best of everything.

Share this quote on facebook [about a large Turkish passenger] Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?

Share this quote on facebook [offering a cure for insomnia] Get plenty of sleep. That's what the doctor told me.

Share this quote on facebook [after falling from a plane, and landing on a mattress] Why didn't I think of that parachute? What a bump!

Share this quote on facebook [to Gloria Jean] Don't you want to live in this beautiful nest, have a personal maid, wear a diaphanous gown, and eat regularly?

Share this quote on facebook I feel as though somebody stepped on my tongue with muddy feet.

Share this quote on facebook There's no sense arguing with a woman.

Share this quote on facebook Lucky we didn't have an accident...We'd never have made it.

Share this quote on facebook This script is an insult to a man's intelligence - even mine...It's impossible, inconceivable, incomprehensible, and besides that, it's no good. And as for the continuity, it's terrible.

Share this quote on facebook Marvelous. Wonderful. Amazing. The girl has been living on a mountaintop since she was three months old and for no reason at all, suddenly blossoms out with Jump and Jive. Do you actually think I'm a dope? Now don't you answer that.

Share this quote on facebook Peter Carson: If that girl is as beautiful as you say, I'll scale the wall tomorrow.

Share this quote on facebook Ouliotta Delight Hemoglobin: [after kissing Peter Carson] You must be a professional.

Share this quote on facebook Gloria Jean: My Uncle Bill...But I still love him.

Share this quote on facebook Fields (to a heckling youngster): You're about to fall heir to a kitten stocking.
Kid: What's a kitten stocking?
Fields: A sock on the puss!

Share this quote on facebook Fields: Is there any goulash on this menu?
Waitress: [wiping a spot off the menu] It's roast beef gravy.

Share this quote on facebook Waitress: And another thing. You're always squawking about something. If it isn't the steak, it's something else.
Fields: I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
Waitress: You're as funny as a cry for help.
Fields: You used to be an old Follies girl?
Waitress: You know, there's something awfully big about you. [pause] Your nose.
Fields: [Looking at her rear end] There's something awfully big about you too.

Share this quote on facebook Waitress: And another thing, don't be so free with your hands.
Fields: Listen honey. I was only trying to guess your weight. You take things too seriously.

Share this quote on facebook Receptionist: [talking on the phone] You big hotty-dottie. You smoke vile cigars all day and drink whiskey half the night. Someday, you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.
Fields: Drown in a vat of whiskey. Death where is thy sting?

Share this quote on facebook Flight Attendant: Are you air sick?
Fields: Somebody put too many olives in my martinis last night.

Share this quote on facebook Gloria Jean: Why didn't you ever marry?
Fields: I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

Share this quote on facebook Ouliotta: Are you really a man?
Fields: Well, I've been called other things.

Share this quote on facebook Mrs. Hemoglobin: Men. Men. They're all alike. They'll deceive you as your father did me. He kissed a chorus girl and when I found out he said, 'Oh, I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing.'
Ouliotta: Do you think he drinks?
Mrs. Hemoglobin: He didn't get that nose from playing ping-pong.

Share this quote on facebook Peter Carson: [about Mrs. Hemoglobin] She has a bank roll so big a greyhound couldn't leap over it.
Fields: She seemed like an awfully nice woman to me.

Share this quote on facebook Gloria Jean: We're falling two thousand feet!
Fields: All right, dear. Don't start worrying until we get down to one-thousand, nine-hundred, and ninety-nine. It's the last foot that's dangerous.

Share this quote on facebook Gloria Jean: But how can you look out for me when I'm here and you're way down there?
Fields: You want to go to school, don't you?...You want to grow up and be dumb like ZaSu Pitts?

Share this quote on facebook Radio report: ...two crooks who have just held up the bank for one hundred and fifty thousand...that is all.
Fields: That is all? A hundred and fifty thousand. That's all. It ain't hay, is it?
Radio report: ...One crook - slight build, evidently a jockey, has a horse scar behind his left ear...other crook has corn teeth, cauliflower ear, apple-red cheeks, mutton-chop whiskers.
Fields: Sounds like a full-course dinner to me! What? No apple pie?