Pardon Us (1931)

Share this quote on facebook We will now have the role call. Those that are here will answer "present". Those that are not here will say "absent".

Share this quote on facebook Oliver: Well here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.
Stanley: What do you mean I got you into?
Oliver: Well, you sold that policeman that bottle of beer, didn't you?
Stanley: I thought he was a streetcar conductor.

Share this quote on facebook Warden: My, my, and still they come. Let us begin with a perfect understanding. I am just as sorry to see you here as you are to be here. Keep one thing in mind, it all depends on you yourselves just how you're going to fare during your stay here. Never forget that this is a prison, and in a prison, all the rules must be obeyed. Discipline is the one thing that must be observed. If you are good prisoners, everything will be okay. If you're not, if you break the rules, then it will be just plain hell on Earth. Do you understand?
Stanley: Yes, sir.
[tooth buzzes]
Warden: Wha...!
Oliver: It was his tooth...
Warden: Shut up, you! Put them in cell 14!
Prison Guard: But not in with The Tiger, sir.
Warden: Put them in Cell 14! Get them out of here before I lose my temper!! Talking to the warden like that! A fine piece business. Convicts talking to the warden. Why, I'll take those men, I'll break them! I'll put them in Cell 14. I don't care who's in there! What I'll do with them.

Share this quote on facebook Stanley: [after getting their prison pictures taken] If they turn out good, can I have one?
Prison Guard: Come on, get out of here!

Share this quote on facebook Oliver: We're not going to the mess hall. We're not going to eat.
Prison Guard: You're not going to eat?
Stanley: No, we're on a hunger strike.
Oliver: Emphatically.
Prison Guard: What? You're going to pass up that nice, big roast turkey with chestnut dressing, and sweet potatoes Southern style, great big pans of hot biscuits, strawberry shortcake smothered in whipped cream, sprinkled with powdered sugar, with a nice, big maraschino cherry on the top of it. Course, followed by a nice, big slice of ice cold watermelon and a big, black cigar.
Stanley: Any nuts?
Prison Guard: All you can eat of 'em.
Stanley: How about postponing the strike until tomorrow?
Oliver: Well... But not one minute after tomorrow.
Prison Guard: Come on, fall in!
Stanley: [later; Stan sees their meal of gruel] Hey! What about that turkey dinner?
Prison Guard: [shouts] Sit down, you!

Share this quote on facebook Oliver: [at the prison dentist] Who ever heard of a dentist hurting you these days? Why, you won't even feel it.
Stanley: You won't feel it, but how about me? How about those other fellows?
Oliver: Ha ha ha ha, they were only laughing.
[sits down in dentist chair beside Stan]
Oliver: You know, there are times when you try my patience. There's nothing do it. It's all in your mind. Now just sit back and... Relax. Why they could pull every tooth in my head and I wouldn't even feel it.
[the dentist accidentally sets to work on Ollie's teeth; Ollie yelps in pain]
Oliver: Why didn't you tell him?
Stanley: I thought you were laughing.

Share this quote on facebook Oliver: [Stan and Ollie are wearing blackface] They'll never recognize us in a 100 years. For once in your life you've hit up on a good idea.
Stanley: A practical idea.
Oliver: What about the tooth? The buzzer.
Stanley: Oh, I fixed that too. I vulcanized it.
Oliver: You what?
Stanley: I vulcanized it. I put some chewing gum in there and it don't buzz any more.
Oliver: You're actually using your brain. That's what comes from associating with me.
Stanley: What do you mean associa-
Oliver: Tut tut tut tut.
Stanley: Tut tut tut tut?

Share this quote on facebook Warden: My boys, and you are my boys, I hold in my hand the pardons for both of you. This is the state's gesture in showing it's appreciation of your bravery. It was the firing of the signal shots in the mess hall that saved us from a disaster of cataclysmic dimensions.
Oliver: Thank you, sir.
Warden: Now go, begin life a new. Forget this. Let this episode here be just a hiatus to be obliterated from your memory. And don't forget that I'm your friend. Anything that I can do to help you start where you left off, call on me at any time.
Oliver: Thank you. We'll start all over again.
Stanley: We certainly will. Can we take your order for a couple of cases?
Warden: Why you...!

Share this quote on facebook Their jail break is a riot! It will give you the time of your life.

Share this quote on facebook The world has been waiting for THEIR FIRST FULL LENGTH TALKING PICTURE

Share this quote on facebook Mr. Hardy is a man of wonderful ideas—so is Mr. Laurel—as long as he doesn't try to think.