Parenthood (1989)

Share this quote on facebook [to Nathan] Keep Patty away from Larry. He'll suck the intelligence right out of her.

Share this quote on facebook They call me Cowboy Gil, as in guil-ty. I saw Cowboy Dan. I didn't like the look on his face. It was like this...[smiles goofily] ... so I killed him. I blew a hole in him this big. Actually it was about this big. You know, when I think about it, that hole was about THIS BIG! And his guts were spilled out all over the floor. As I was walkin' away, I slip around on his guts. A couple of other people came by and started slippin' on his guts too. After I blow a hole in somebody and slip around on their guts... afterwards, I always like to make balloon animals. That's mighty courteous of you. Here we go! [starts twisting balloons and then when he finishes, he holds up jumbled bunch of twisted balloons] Your lower intestines.

Share this quote on facebook My whole life is have to...

Share this quote on facebook That is one messed-up little dude.

Share this quote on facebook You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father.

Share this quote on facebook Nathan, we're trying so hard to keep these kids off of drugs.

Share this quote on facebook Open this door! Goddamnit to hell! I was just like a little respect! Not alot, just a little! Do you know why I'm having sex with machinery? Because your father went to have a party and I stayed to raise two kids, and I HAVE NO LIFE!!!!!!!!

Share this quote on facebook [Helen is trying to talk with Garry about his sex tapes] l assume you're watching these because you're curious about sex... you know. Or filmmaking.

Share this quote on facebook No, no, no, no. I'm too young to be a grandmother. Grandmothers are old. They bake, and they sew, and they tell you stories about the Depression. I was at Woodstock, for Christ's sake! I peed in a field! I hung on to The Who's helicopter as it flew away!

Share this quote on facebook I give them six months. Three, if she cooks.

Share this quote on facebook [on parenting] It's like your Aunt Edna's ass. It goes on forever and it's just as frightening.

Share this quote on facebook Frank: Gil, you have a good memory. Uh, was it yours or Helen's or Susan's wedding I got drunk at?
Gil: It was all three, Dad. Congratulations.
Frank: Well, which one did I punch the band leader?
Gil: That was mine. We have photos. I'm having them blown up for the commitment hearings.
[Susan laughs]
Frank: Well, you think he's funny. Well, when he was a kid, he wasn't as funny. Stayed in his room all day. Boy, you were a moody little son of a bitch.
Gil: [sarcastically] Gee, I wonder why.

Share this quote on facebook Taylor: Mommy what was that?
Karen: That was an electrical ear cleaner.
Taylor: It was kinda big.
Grandma: It sure was.

Share this quote on facebook Julie: He said that he loved me.
Helen: Men say that. They all say that. Then they cum.

Share this quote on facebook [Gil's ideal vision. Kevin has graduated from university and is the class valedictorian]
Kevin, Age 21: All of this I have one thing to credit; when I was a kid and my father made me play second base. Thank you, Dad!
[Audience applauds an elderly Gil]
Gil: Thank you, son!

Share this quote on facebook [after breaking the lock on Gary's bedroom door and searching it, Helen finds some sex tapes and plays one]
Susan: Helen? Oh, the door was unlocked...[sees the sex action on the television]
Grandma: What channel is this?
Helen: No Gran, this is a tape.
Grandma: [to Susan] She needs a man now!
Helen: Gran, this isn't mine. I don't watch this!
[later]
Grandma: [to Susan again as they are leaving the room and speaking of the sex action on the television] One of those men reminded me of your Grandpa. God bless him!

Share this quote on facebook Susan: Nathan, I need to speak with you for a couple of minutes.
Nathan: Patty, your mother and I will be gone for two minutes. How many seconds is that?
Patty: 120.
Den
Nathan: What is it?
[Susan produces flashcards, which Nathan recites]
Flashcard #1: This is the only way
Flashcard #2: To reach you, so
Flashcard #3: I am leaving you

Share this quote on facebook Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Gil: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

Share this quote on facebook [Kevin's birthday. A stripper comes to Buckman residence]
Stripper: So what is the name of the birthday boy? I will paint his name on my breasts.
Karen: What in the world?
Gil: We did not order any stripper! We hired Cowboy Dan.
Stripper: Is that so, let me call my boss.
Stripper uses phone to call boss, then hangs up
Stripper: Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. My boss screwed up our assignments. I was supposed to do that birthday party at the Army base, but my boss sent Cowboy Dan there.
Karen: Then have him come here.
Stripper: There's a problem, you see, the soldiers got the wrong idea and beat up Cowboy Dan really good. He is in the hospital.
Kevin: Cowboy Dan is not here? All the kids will hate me!
Gil: Kevin, pull yourself together! A cowboy is coming.

Share this quote on facebook Gil: What's the matter, honey? You don't feel so good?
Taylor: Yeah.
Gil: You feel like you want to throw up?
Taylor: Okay.
[vomits all over Gil, and starts crying]
Karen: Oh Taylor, baby... Gil, why are you :standing there?
Gil: Waiting for her head to spin around.

Share this quote on facebook When you're sliding into first and you're feeling something burst diarrhea!
When you're sliding into third and you lay a juicy turd diarrhea!
When you're sliding into home and your shorts are full of foam diarrhea!
When you're riding in your chevy and your shorts are feeling heavy diarrhea!