Shallow Hal (2001)

Share this quote on facebook Reverend Larson: First, I want you to promise that no matter what you do in life, you will never ever settle for average.
Young Hal: Yes, sir.
Reverend Larson: Second, don't be satisfied with routine poontang.
Young Hal: [confused] Huh?
Reverend Larson: Don't do what I did. I married for love, and your mother Betty, has been a nightmare.
Young Hal: But, Dad, Mom's name is Marian.
Reverend Larson: Listen to me, I'm giving you pearls here. And third, find yourself a classic beauty. With a perfect can, and great totties. That will put you in good stead with the Lord. Its all in here. Yes, sir. Hot young tail's what its all about.

Share this quote on facebook Tony: Haven't you ever heard that beauty is in the eye of the beholder?
Mauricio: Have you heard the song Who Let The Dogs Out?

Share this quote on facebook Mauricio: You had me at "Get lost".

Share this quote on facebook Hal: [noticing Rosemary across the field] Oh my God, there she is. There's Rosemary.
[Mauricio turns around seeing Rosemary as she is in reality]
Mauricio: [trying to see where she is] Where?
Hal: Right there.
Mauricio: Right where?
Hal: Straight ahead, across the field.
Mauricio: Is she behind the Rhino?

Share this quote on facebook Hal: [after introducing his overweight girlfriend to Mauricio] Does she take the cake, or what?
Mauricio: She takes the whole bakery, Hal.

Share this quote on facebook Mauricio: She's got CANKLES!

Share this quote on facebook Doctor: Reverend Larson, your son is here.
Reverend: Okay, sure. Send her in.

Share this quote on facebook Rosemary: Is that a member's only jacket?
Mauricio: Yes.
Rosemary: So what are you, the last member?

Share this quote on facebook Mauricio: The thing is all the women he's been seeing are ugly.
Tony: Who says they're ugly?
Mauricio: Bausch & Lomb.

Share this quote on facebook Hal: So what do you weigh, like 110? 115?
Rosemary: [sarcastically] Which one of my butt cheeks are you talking about?

Share this quote on facebook Hal: Hey there, is this not the most adorable little girl? What is your name, sweetheart?
Little girl: Cadence.
Hal: Cadence, huh? A perfect name for a perfect little girl. I do not see what is wrong, I mean, she should be starring in commercials. Tell you what Cadence, I am going to hold you until the cows come home.
Hal picks up Cadence. Ugly nurse enters
Ugly nurse: Visiting hours are over. Out now!
[Hal puts down Cadence]
Hal: The cows came home.