The Road to El Dorado (2000)

Share this quote on facebook If I believed in fate, I wouldn't be playing with loaded dice!

Share this quote on facebook Holy ship!

Share this quote on facebook [to Miguel] Stop that! Show me seven!

Share this quote on facebook You pet him, and I'll run!

Share this quote on facebook [as Miguel fusses over Altivo] Oh, for Pete's sake, Miguel! He's a ruthless war horse, not a poodle!

Share this quote on facebook We're in the middle of a con here. Walking the razor's edge. [gestures to gold] On the one hand, gold! [gestures to a painting of a human sacrifice] On the other hand, painful, agonizing failure!

Share this quote on facebook Two pesetas says we can't.

Share this quote on facebook Should have kept the swords, I think.

Share this quote on facebook Uh, well, thanks a lot!

Share this quote on facebook [While cutting down vines] The trail that we'll blaze... [Vines fall to reveal a rock wall, and Miguel points to the distance to the left] that trail that we'll blaze!

Share this quote on facebook Behold! As the prophecies foretold, the time of judgment is now! Citizens, did I not predict that the gods would come to us?

Share this quote on facebook Big smile, like you mean it!

Share this quote on facebook Stop! They wish to bask! Take the tribute to the gods' temple!

Share this quote on facebook [imitates Miguel] "Ck-ck." Are you serious?

Share this quote on facebook My crew was as carefully chosen as the disciples of Christ, and I will not tolerate stowaways. You will be flogged. And when we port into Cuba to re-supply, God willing, you will be flogged some more. And then enslaved on the sugar plantations for the rest of your miserable lives. To the brig.

Share this quote on facebook [To Tzekel-Kan, after the passage he leads Cortes' army to has been blocked] You lying heathen! There is nothing here at all. [kicks him down] Men, seize him! There is no El Dorado here. Onward, men.

Share this quote on facebook Miguel: You fight like my sister!
Tulio: I've fought your sister! That's a compliment!
Miguel: Blackguard!
Tulio: Heathen! [trips and falls to the ground] Not the face, not the face!

Share this quote on facebook Tulio: Okay. Here's the plan. In the dead of night, you and I grab some provisions, hijack one of those longboats... and then, we... row back to Spain like there's no mañana!
[Pause]
Miguel: Back to Spain, yeah?
Tulio: Yeah.
Miguel: [uncertainly] In a rowboat.
Tulio: You got it.
Miguel: [sarcastically] Great. Sensational. And that, that's your plan, is it?
Tulio: That's pretty much it.
Miguel: [Delighted] Well, I like it! So, how do we get on deck?
Tulio: Hmm. In the dead of night, you and I grab some provisions, hijack one of those longboats...
Miguel: [bored; sarcastic] Oh, great!
Tulio: [annoyed] Oh, okay, what's your idea, smart guy?!
Miguel: [also annoyed] Wha-wha-what do you mean? Don't ask me that! You're the one with the plans.

Share this quote on facebook Miguel: Altivo! Hey, Altivo! You want the nice apple? Come and get it! But, you have to do a trick for me first! All you have to do, is find a pry bar: A long piece of iron with a hooky thing at the end.
Tulio: Miguel, you're talking to a horse!
Miguel: Yes, that's it Altivo. Find the pry bar!
Tulio: Yes, "find the pry bar". He can't understand "pry bar"! He's a dumb horse, there's no way he'd--
[Altivo drops keys into the brig]
Tulio: Well. It's not a pry bar.

Share this quote on facebook Tulio: Did any of the supplies make it?
Miguel: Well, um, yes and no.
[Altivo is shown eating the few supplies that made it into the boat.]
Tulio: [sarcastically] Ohh, great!
Miguel: Tulio, look on the positive side. At least things can't get--
[Thunder claps and rain falls.]
Tulio: Excuse me, were-were you about to say "worse"?
Miguel: No.
Tulio: No?
Miguel: No.
Tulio: You sure?
Miguel: Absolutely not. I've revised that whole thing.
Tulio: Yeah. We're at least in a rowboat.
Miguel: We're in a rowboat. Exactly. You miss nothing.
[Unnoticed by Miguel and Tulio, Altivo nervously watches the sharks following the boat.]

Share this quote on facebook [Miguel and Tulio are stranded in the boat, together with Altivo, near death]
Miguel: Tulio, did you ever imagine it would end like this?
Tulio: [pause] The horse is a surprise.
Miguel: Any... regrets?
Tulio: Besides dying? Yeah. I never... had enough... gold.
Miguel: My regret, besides dying, is... our greatest adventure is over before it began, and no one will even remember us.
Tulio: Well, if it's any consolation, Miguel, you... made my life... an adventure. [he starts crying]
Miguel: And if it's any consolation, Tulio, [sniffles] you made my life... rich. [he also cries]
[Altivo snorts in irritation; the boat has been drifting near land the whole time.]

Share this quote on facebook Miguel: Tulio! We've done it!
Tulio: What's that? The map?
Miguel: It's all right here!
Tulio: You still have the map?!
Miguel: The whistling rock! The stream!
Tulio: You kept the map but you couldn't manage to grab a little more food?
Miguel: Even those mountains! You said it yourself, it could be possible, and it is! It really is the map to El Dorado!
Tulio: [flatly] You drank the sea water, didn't you?
Miguel: [frustrated] Oh, come on!
Tulio: I'm not "coming on"! I wouldn't set foot in that jungle for 1,000,000 pesetas!
[Tulio starts to head back to the rowboat; Miguel gets an idea.]
Miguel: How about... 100,000,000?
Tulio: [Stops] What?
Miguel: I just thought that, after all, since El Dorado's the city of gold...
Tulio: What's your point?
Miguel: You know, dust, nuggets, bricks. A temple, where you could pluck gold from the very walls, but you don't want go! So let's go back to the boat and row back to Spain! After all, it worked so well last time.
[Miguel pretends to head back to the boat; Tulio changes his mind and hurriedly stops him.]
Tulio: [sputters] Wait! Hmm. Wait a minute. New plan. We find the City of Gold. We take the gold... and then we go back to Spain.
Miguel: And buy Spain!

Share this quote on facebook Tulio: Apparently, "El Dorado" is native for... "great big rock!" [silence, as "rock!" begins echoing] Hey, but I tell you what: I'm feeling generous, so you can have my share!
Miguel: Tulio, you don't think, Cortes could've gotten here before us and, and-
Tulio: And what? Taken all the really big rocks? The scoundrel!

Share this quote on facebook Tulio: Miguel and Tulio!
Miguel: Tulio and Miguel! Mighty and powerful...
Together: Gods!
Chel: Hello.
[both yell out; Chel bursts out laughing]
Tulio: Depart, mortal, before we strike you with a lightning bolt!
[Chel hums calmly]
Miguel: Beware the wrath of the gods! Begone! [mimics lightning bolt] Ck-ck!
Chel: [smiling] Save it for the High Priest, honey. You're gonna need it.
Miguel: Ck-ck!
Tulio: Miguel, it's not working.
Miguel: Ck-ck!
Tulio: Miguel! We've been caught.
Miguel: Ck-ck...
Chel: Oh, no. Don't worry about me. "My only wish is to serve the gods." Remember?
Tulio: How?
Chel: Well, you guys both want the gold and you don't want to get caught, right? You're gonna need help.
Miguel: What makes you think we need your help?
Chel: [mimics Miguel's lightning sound] "Ck-ck!" Are you serious?
[Altivo laughs in a neigh]
[Miguel and Tulio stammer in disbelief]
Chel: Okay. So, uh, who are you?
Tulio: Yeah, uh, what's your angle?
Chel: [chuckles] No angle. I want in.
Tulio: In?
Chel: On the scam.
Tulio: [chuckles nervously] There's no scam. Why would you think there's a s--? [suddenly serious] Why?
Chel: [chuckles] So I can get out.
Miguel: I thought she just said she wanted in?
Tulio: She wants in so she can get out.
Miguel: Aha! Got it. [confused] Why?
Chel: Think you're the only ones who dream of better things? Of adventure? You've got your reasons, and I've got mine. Let's not make it personal, okay? It's just business.
Miguel and Tulio: Oh.
Chel: [puts both her arms around Miguel and Tulio] So, when you guys are ready to go back to wherever you came from, I'm going with you.
Tulio: [bursts out laughing and gently removes Chel's hand from behind his neck] No! Don't think so.
[Miguel coughs and whistles]
Chel: All right. Fine. [chuckles and hits Miguel and Tulio's chests as she passes them] After all, I'm sure you know the proper rituals for blessing a tribute, the holiest days on the calendar, oh, and of course you know all about Xibalba. [pinches Tulio's cheek and giggles] Okay? Good luck. [Tulio rubs his cheek] See you at the execution.
Tulio: [sputters] Wait! Ho-- Would you-- Hold it.
Chel: [chuckles] Deal?
Tulio: Hmm.
Miguel: [stretches hand out] Deal.
Tulio: [pull Miguel's hand away] Not yet. Let's just see how this works out.
Chel: Uh-huh. Well, then, I suppose that means you'll want these back? [produces Tulio's dice in her hand]
Tulio: [pats his vest pocket, shocked] How'd you get those? [snatches them back from Chel and replaces them in his vest pocket]
Miguel: [raising eyebrows] Where was she keeping them?
Chel: Call me, Chel, your new partner.
Tulio: Uh, that's partner-in-training.
Chel: Now, put these on. Your public's waiting.
Tulio: [he and Miguel are about to undress, but Tulio stops.] Do you mind?
Chel: [not realizing what Tulio meant.] No. [suddenly, she gets the idea.] Oh! Oh! Oh! Right. Uh, excuse me. [Miguel struggles to take his shoe of.] Bye.
Miguel: Mm-mm-mmm! Maybe they should call this place "Chel Dorado."
Tulio: [distracted] She's whoo-- [breaks distraction] Whoa, she's trouble! Wait a minute!
Miguel: What?
Tulio: The little voice? Remember the little voice? Well, just for a second, imagine that you have one. What would it be saying about Chel?
Miguel: Hmmmmm... [purrs]
Tulio: No. No. Listen. We are partners.
Miguel: We're partners.
Tulio: We have a plan, remember?
Miguel: Get the gold, go back to Spain.
Tulio: Yes. And we are pretending to be Gods now. Put Chel in the mix. What is the voice saying? Listen carefully.
Miguel: [hesitantly] Chel is...off-limits, hmm?
[game show bell dings]
Tulio: Bravo! Chel is off-limits! Shake on it. [he and Miguel do a secret handshake.] Off-limits.
Miguel: Besides, we're supposed to be Gods. We must avoid giving in to temptation.
Tulio: Gods. [cloth falls down, but Tulio catches it and ties it back up again.] Oh. [embarrassed] This is gonna be tougher than I thought.
Miguel: Tulio, relax. All you have to do is smile, act Godly and follow my lead.

Share this quote on facebook Tulio: I don't like this.
Miguel: Tulio, we've got to do something.
[Tzekel-Kan starts to perform a human sacrifice.]
Tulio: Stop!
Tzekel-Kan: Hmm?
[Miguel and Tulio walk up to victim.]
Tulio: This is not a proper tribute!
[Miguel rescues the intended victim and drags him to safety.]
Tzekel-Kan: [surprised] You do not want the tribute?
Miguel: No. No, no. W-We want tribute. Uh, it's just that, um... Tulio, tell him.
Tulio: The stars are not in position for this tribute!
Miguel: Like he said! Stars...can't do it. Not today.
Tzekel-Kan: [uncertain] Ah. Perhaps it is possible that I... misread the heavens.
Miguel: Don't worry about it. To err is human. To forgive.

Share this quote on facebook Tulio: [After he and Miguel tell the chief that they intend to stay in El Dorado for three days so that a boat can be built for them, Tulio is tossing gold ear rings in his hands and looking worried] No. Three days is not fine. This is a real... [he hands the gold ear rings to Chel] These. These are the ones.
Chel: [accepts them from Tulio] Thank you.
Tulio: ...problem. [Turns to Miguel sitting on a chair] Miguel, how are we going to keep this up for three days?
Miguel: [Gets off the chair looking exasperated at Tulio's concern] You worry too much.
Tulio: [runs toward Miguel] No, I worry exactly the right amount! [turns Miguel around] You can never worry too much! We just have to lie low.
Miguel: [Looks out at a view of the city in awe with beautiful music playing in the background] But, Tulio, this place is amazing. I mean, I wonder what's--
Tulio: [cuts him off] No! [record needle scratches, stopping the music] Don't even move!
Miguel: Tulio--
Tulio: You're moving!
Miguel: A little, but-- Come on.
Tulio: Hey! Hey! Hey!
[He and Miguel scuffle]
Tulio: Stay!
Miguel: I--
[Tulio groans in annoyance.]
Miguel: I just--
Tulio: Just...stand there!
Miguel: [frozen in shock] For three days? [he topples over]
Tulio: Yes! Exactly. For three days. Don't even breathe, all right?
Miguel: [gets up and brushes his sleeve clean] All right. We lie low.
Tulio: No, ah-ah-ah-ah! Promise?
Miguel: Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, all right, all right.
Tulio: [sighs in relief] Great. Good. Okay. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to... [tickles Chel] ...gloat over my gold. [he kisses a small gold statue happily]

Share this quote on facebook [Chel and Tulio kiss heavily off-screen.]
Tzekel-Kan: My Lords?
[Chel stops kissing Tulio and sits up in horror. Tulio comes up, and his hair and face are messed up.]
Tzekel-Kan: Hello?
Chel: [pushes Tuilo down] The High Priest!
Tulio: Ow!
Chel: [horrified gasp] What's he gonna think if he finds one of the Gods like this with me?!
Tulio: [dazed] Uh, "Lucky God"?
Chel: J-Just-- just-- just... [frustratedly fixes Tulio's hair] Ohh!
Tzekel-Kan: Hello?
[Chel kicks Tulio toward Tzekel-Kan]
Tulio: Whoa! Oh, Tzekel-Kan! What brings you here?
Tzekel-Kan: I-I-I humbly request an audience with you, My Lord.
Tulio: Lord, yes. What can I do for you?
Tzekel-Kan: My Lord, I have just seen Lord Miguel out among the people.
Tulio: Really?
Tzekel-Kan: If I may be so bold as to offer some advice?
[Chel signals Tulio to cut Tzekel-Kan off]
Tulio: [misreads Chel's signal] Alright, shoot.
Chel: [facepalms and groans in frustration. Tzekel-Kan fails to notice this]
Tzekel-Kan: My Lord, you are perfect.
Tulio: Oh. Well, go on.
Tzekel-Kan: But in your perfection, you cannot know how imperfect humans are. [begins to conjure menacing images] They're like snakes, they are, spineless and slippery. They are as untrustworthy as rats, stealing and cheating, with no remorse. [takes a bite out of a conjured pear then spits it out] Spinning webs of lies, like spiders! [crushes a conjured spider in his hand]
Tulio: [disgusted] Stop it! That's disgusting!
Tzekel-Kan: [makes all the conjured images vanish] They're beyond disgusting!
Tulio: Yeah, yeah! Way beyond!
Tzekel-Kan: Then we're in agreement! I'll begin the necessary preparations immediately! Now, do you wish to have your victims bound to altar, or would you prefer them free range? And will you devour their essence whole, or piece-by-piece?
Tulio: [pause] Tzekel, you've lost me.
Tzekel-Kan: My Lord, these people will not respect if they do not fear you.
Tulio: And, of course, we will make them fear us, by, uh...
Tzekel-Kan: By sacrifice! As it is prophesied, the history of the Age of the Jaguar will be written in...
Tulio: Ink?
Tzekel-Kan: Blood!
Tulio: Blood! Oh, right. I should probably consult, though, with Lord Miguel. This is fairly important stuff. I, uh, should discuss this entire blood issue right away. Excuse us, won't you? [to Chel] Let's go.
Tzekel-Kan: [relieved] Finally, we're connecting.

Share this quote on facebook Tulio: [angrily whispers] WHAT do you THINK you're DOING?!
Miguel: [chuckles] Lying low.
Tulio: [growls at Miguel] [whispers] Look, change of plans: We have to grab what we can carry, and get out of here, now!
Miguel: [whispers] What?! Why?!
Tulio: [whispers] Because the High Priest is nuts!

Share this quote on facebook Tulio: [exhausted] How long does this go on, anyway?
Chel: The game is over when the shadow touches this line.
Miguel: We need a miracle.
Tulio: No, we need to cheat!

Share this quote on facebook Kid 1: The gods deserve a proper tribute.
Kid 2: Stop! There will be no sacrifices!

Share this quote on facebook Tulio: :[chuckling, holding a bowl with a lemon] That kid does you better than you do. [sighs] Some send-off, huh? We're finally at the "go back to Spain and live like kings" part.
[the children laugh, then Chel puts the kid down]
Tulio: Ooh-hoo-hoo. :[drinking the bowl]
Miguel: Well, isn't king kind of a step down from god?
Tulio: :[stops drinking and spits] What? Wh-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Miguel, we can't stay here. :[chuckling] We have a plan, remember?
Miguel: How about we forget the plan? Hmm?
Tulio: What?
[the jaguar statue roars and appears and breaks out of the temple, and then they both scream like girls]
Tzekel-Kan: :[evil laughter] Now everyone will know the truth of your "divinity"!

Share this quote on facebook [Tzekel-Kan corners Miguel and Tulio on the edge of a cliff overlooking a cenote well with the animated stone jaguar]
Tzekel-Kan: I know what you are. And I know what you are not. And you are not GODS!
Tulio: [to Miguel, after an awkward silence] You-You're not a god?! You lied to me?
[He clears his throat, urging Miguel to play along, only to have Miguel glare back at him]
Tulio: [Gasps in surprise, then flings him towards Tzekel-Kan, still keeping up the act] How dare you?!
Miguel: [Playing along with Tulio, but reluctantly] Hey, it was his stupid plan!
Tzekel-Kan: [confused] What?
Tulio: Woah, woah, oh. My plan was that we should lie low! But your plan was to run off and be all "Oh, look at me, look at me, I'm a god!"
Miguel: That's not true!
Tulio: No? Who are you kidding?! You're buying your own con!
Miguel: At least I'm not dating mine!
Tulio: I-- Ooh, low blow. Listen, Mr. High-and-Mighty, we'd both be sailing out of here with a mountain of gold if you had [smacks him in the back of the head] just listened to me!
[Tzekel-Kan smirks in amusement]
Miguel: Well, now you've got all the precious gold and Chel, so what do you need [smacks Tulio back] me for?!
Tulio: Well, maybe I don't need you anymore!
Miguel: Well, then why don't you just go back to Spain, and I'll stay here, and we'll [shoves him] both get what we want?!
Tulio: [shoves him back] That's fine with me, pal!
Miguel: [smacks him] Fine with me too!
Tzekel-Kan: [still amused] Ooh.
Tulio: [smacks Miguel back] Fine!
Tzekel-Kan: Ouch!
Miguel: [hits Tulio] Okay!
Tzekel-Kan: [chuckles]
Both: All RIGHT! [both punch Tzekel-Kan, knocking him down]
Tulio: Tie him up!
[Tulio and Miguel tried to tie Tzekel-Kan. When suddenly, Tzekel-Kan roars at them.]
Tulio: What? Whoa.
[The jaguar statue comes back alive, ready to eat Tulio and Miguel, They screaming in terror]
Tulio: JUMP!
[They both falls down when the vines are hanging on. The jaguar jumps right in front of Tzekel-Kan. Then cliff starting to break away. They screaming, Tulio and Miguel runs away from the cliff breaking. Then, breaking completely, Tzekel-Kan and the jaguar send into the whirlpool]
Tzekel-Kan: NOOOOOOO!!!!
[Tzekel-Kan and stone jaguar falls into the whirlpool. Tzekel-Kan swimming around the whirlpool and goes straight towards the jungle. Moments later. Tzekel-Kan gets out of the water, then hearing a sword clanging while Cortes and the guards appear, then shuddering]
Tzekel-Kan: My lord.
[Tzekel-Kan crawling on the water, then Cortes puts the gun touches the earing]
Cortes: Where did you get this?
[Cortes lets go of the earing, Then, Tzekel-Kan smiling at Cortes]

Share this quote on facebook [last lines]
Chel: Hey, guys. Come on! You don't want to stay here forever, do you?
Miguel: But, uh, we don't have a map.
Tulio: We don't have a plan.
Chel: Well, that's what makes it interesting. [Altivo nods in agreement]
Tulio: [getting the idea] You're right!
Miguel: What are we waiting for?
Chel: Let's follow that trail! Hyah! [Miguel and Tulio fall off Altivo] Come on, boys!
Tulio: [he and Miguel chase Chel and Altivo] Hey! Altivo! [Miguel pushes him] Augh! [gets back up.] Sit, boy! Sit! Chel, we're not on the horse!
[Chel laughs as the armadillo chases some butterflies and eats one, ending the movie]

Share this quote on facebook The problem, obviously, was that the milieu that Jeffrey had chosen - no less than the near-annihilation of the Mezo-American peoples and the destruction of their culture - didn't really lend itself to a flat-out comedy, we thought. There had to be enough depth in these characters to allow us to do a story which would allow for some real drama - tragedy, even.