There's Something About Mary (1998)

Share this quote on facebook Is that... is that hair gel?

Share this quote on facebook [about Mary] I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name.

Share this quote on facebook Here you've been in therapy, you know, thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever, and really it turns out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper was the best thing that ever happened to you.

Share this quote on facebook [while spying on Mary] Husband... negative. Children and a Labrador... negative. Tight little package... affirmative.

Share this quote on facebook The last time I had a pap smear, the guy needed leather gloves and an oyster shucker.

Share this quote on facebook Warren: Have you seen my baseball?...Have you seen my baseball?
Student: Hey buddy! I think I know where your ball is!
Warren: You seen my baseball?
Student: Yeah, you see that girl over there? She's got it. Only she doesn't call it a baseball, she's got another name for it. [Whispers in Warren's ear]
Warren: [Walks up to a couple kissing] Have you seen my....wiener?
Girl: What?!
Warren: Have you seen my wiener?!
Boyfriend: What the hell did you just say buddy?!
Warren: Wiener....
Boyfriend: Get your hand off my car, I'm gonna fuckin' kick your ass!

Share this quote on facebook Charlie: Is it the frank or the beans?
Ted: I don't know, both I guess.
Warren: [from outside] Franks and Beans! Franks and Beans!
...
Charlie: Oh man! How'd you get the beans above the frank?

Share this quote on facebook Mary: I want a guy who can play 36 holes of golf, and still have enough energy to take Warren and me to a baseball game, and eat hot dogs, I'm talking sausage hot dogs and beer, not lite beer, but beer. That's my ad, print it up.
Brenda: Hmm... a fatty who likes golf and beer. Gee, Mary, where are you gonna find a gem like that?

Share this quote on facebook Pat: [after telling Mary that he's an architect] Really, it's only a side thing for my true passion.
Mary: And what's that?
Pat: I work with retards.
Mary: Isn't that a little politically incorrect?
Pat: Yeah, maybe, but hell, no one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with, right?

Share this quote on facebook Ted: Look, I didn't solicit any sex, OK? This is a huge misunderstanding. I was really going out to pee, I was walking to the bushes, I tripped over this guy - and suddenly all those cops and their helicopters...
Detective Stabler: Ted, Ted, it's OK, we believe you. [about the dead body in the trunk] The problem is we found your friend in the car.
Ted: [smiles] Oh, the hitchhiker? That's what this is about, the hitchhiker? Oh, oh, great. This is my luck - I get caught for everything.
Detective Krevoy: [pats Ted's shoulder] So... you admit it?
Ted: Ah, yeah, guilty as charged. Look, I know you guys got a job to do, alright? And I'm really sorry. I did it, I admit it. You know, the guy even told me, the hitchhiker told me it was illegal.
Detective Krevoy: Well, uh, can you tell us his name?
Ted: Ah... no, I didn't catch it. Can we cut to the chase, I mean, am I like in a lot of trouble here?
Detective Stabler: [nods] First tell us why you did it.
Ted: Why I did it? Ah... I don't know. Boredom? The guy turned to be a blubber mouth who just would not shut up.
Detective Krevoy: [trying to control himself] Ted, this wasn't your first time, was it?
Ted: No.
Detective Krevoy: How many are we talking here?
Ted: [confused] Hitchhikers? My whole life? Ah... I don't know - twenty-five, fifty... I mean, who keeps track? Hey, you know, I know this is the Bible Belt and everything, but where I come from this is not that big deal, I mean...
Detective Krevoy: You son of a bitch! You're gonna fry! [slams Ted's head against the desk]
Detective Stabler: Take it easy! Calm down! Are you OK?
Ted: [to Krevoy] What the hell is wrong with you?

Share this quote on facebook Ted: Do you think maybe you wanna maybe, I don't know, go out to dinner, you know, catch up on old times?
Mary: Didn't we just do that?
Ted: Oh, uh...
Mary: I'm fucking with you, Ted!

Share this quote on facebook Dom: You choke the chicken before any big date, don't you? Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That's like going out there with a loaded gun! Of course that's why you're nervous. Oh my dear friend, please sit, please. Look, um, after you've had sex with a girl, and you're lying in bed with her, are you nervous? No, you're not, why?
Ted: Cause I'm tired...
Dom: Wrong! It's 'cause you ain't got the baby batter on the brain anymore! Jesus, that stuff will fuck your head up! Look, the most honest moment in a man's life are the few minutes after he's blown his load - now that is a medical fact. And the reason for it is that you're no longer trying to get laid, you're actually... you're thinking like a girl, and girls love that.

Share this quote on facebook [When Ted gets his genitals stuck in his zipper]
Charlie: Is it the frank or the beans?
Ted: I don't know, both I guess.
Warren: [from outside] Franks and Beans! Franks and Beans!
Charlie: Oh man! How'd you get the beans above the frank?

Share this quote on facebook Pat: [after telling Mary that he's an architect] Really, it's only a side thing for my true passion.
Mary: And what's that?
Pat: I work with retards.
Mary: Isn't that a little politically incorrect?
Pat: Yeah, maybe, but hell, no one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with, right?

Share this quote on facebook Warning: The guys who did 'Dumb & Dumber' and 'Kingpin' bring you a love story.

Share this quote on facebook Love is in the hair.

Share this quote on facebook The most fun you can have on video.

Share this quote on facebook No animals were harmed in the making of this movie. Everybody else was on their own.

Share this quote on facebook There's Just Something About Her...