UHF (1989)

Share this quote on facebook Lesbian Nazi hookers abducted by UFOs and forced into weight-loss programs, all this week on Town Talk!

Share this quote on facebook Sex with furniture, what do you think?

Share this quote on facebook Look up! Look down! Now look at Mr. Frying Pan! [George conks Bobbo in the face with the frying pan] Uh-oh. Bobbo fall down go boom. Uuupsy-daisy...Aw, what's wrong, Bobbo? I bet I know! You're hungry, aren't you? [Bobbo honks his horn weakly] Have I got just the thing for you! Yes sir, clowns AND kids alike just can't resist the mouth-watering, lip-smacking taste of Mrs. Hackenberger's Butter Cookies! [He proceeds to stuff Bobbo's face with "cookies," which are actually dog biscuits; George has picked up the wrong box!!] Right, Bobbo? That's right! And guess what, Mom? They're nutritious, too! Just look at how much Bobbo here likes 'em! [cut to a revolted Bobbo] Mmmm, THAT'S GOOOOOD!! [Bobbo looks ready to vomit] And don't forget folks, there's a nifty surprise inside every box of Mrs. Hackenberger's...[notices his mistake for the first time] Heh Heh Heh, UH-OHHH!! [Bobbo turns and glares at Uncle Nutzy as if to say "WHAT Uh-Oh?!?"] Bobbo's been eating...YAPPY'S DOG TREATS!! [a look of horror crosses Bobbo's face, and he runs off to the "little clowns' room."] That's right, Yappy's Dog Treats! Your dog will love that real liver-and-tuna taste... [We hear Bobbo vomiting]... With just a hint of cheese...!

Share this quote on facebook You gotta grab life by the lips and YANK as hard as you can.

Share this quote on facebook Oh, no. What time is it!? [arm with a watch breaks through the wall, George looks at the watch] Seven THIRTY!?

Share this quote on facebook [to Satan] Oh, shut up, you pinhead! You make me SICK!

Share this quote on facebook Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner who MOCKS him and LAUGHS at him as he's repeatedly CRUSHED and MAIMED! [almost tearfully] Hope you ENJOY IT!!!

Share this quote on facebook [Message left on Teri's answering machine] Teri! I'm sorry! Come on give me one more chance please! Come on Teri! Teri! Oh Oh I'm in hell! I'M IN HELL!! TERI TERI PICK UP THE PHONE!! PICK UP THE PHONE!! PICK UP THE PHONE!!! OH OH TERI!!!!!! PLE-HE-HE-HE-HEASE!

Share this quote on facebook WE DID IT! THE STATION'S OURS!!

Share this quote on facebook [Grinning] This is my new mop. My friend George, he gave me this mop. It's a pretty good mop. It's not as good as my old mop, I miss my old mop. But it's still a good mop. Sometimes, you gotta take what life gives you, 'cause life is like a mop. And sometimes, life gets full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff, but you've got to clean it out. You gotta put it in here and rinse it out and start all over again. And sometimes, life sticks to the floor so bad a mop isn't good enough. It's not good enough. You gotta get down here with, like, a toothbrush or something, and really scrub, and if that doesn't work, if that doesn't work...you can't give up. You've got to run a window and yell, "HEY! THESE FLOORS ARE AS DIRTY AS @#!*% , AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!"

Share this quote on facebook Oh, Joel Miller, you just found the marble in the oatmeal! You're a very, very, very lucky little boy. You know why? You get to drink from...THE FIRE HOOOOOSE!!!

Share this quote on facebook I'm thinkin' of something orange. Something orange. Give up? It's an orange. [laughs] Ok, now I'm thinkin' of something blue. Something bluuuuuue. [singing] DUN-DADA-DUN-DADA-DUN-DADA-DUN-DADA DAA DAAAAA!! [Thugs push him into the closet] Don't you like Bonanza?!

Share this quote on facebook MY MOP!!!

Share this quote on facebook This is pretty good watermelon...[pauses and considers]...Tastes like poop. I'm gonna eat some Corn Flakes.[grabs box of Corn Flakes] These are pretty good...WHOA!! Free toy inside! Free toy inside!! Let's find it. [rummages his hand in the box] Don't let your mom know that you do this.

Share this quote on facebook Watch out, Mr. Coyote... Aww.

Share this quote on facebook This is a business, not a home for irresponsible pus-brains!

Share this quote on facebook [speaking to the crowd at the telethon] Dear friends, I'm sure that one day you realize that by shutting down this hotbed of subversive activity...

Share this quote on facebook Not many people know this, but the turtle is nature's suction cup. [licks the bottom of a turtle, throws it towards the ceiling] Look. It sticks.

Share this quote on facebook This is my ant farm. These little guys can lift fifty times their own weight. They also spend weeks digging these intricate little tunnels. And oh yeah, they really hate it when you do this! [Raul picks up the ant farm and shakes it] Oh look! They're really mad now!

Share this quote on facebook For those of you just joining us, today we're teaching poodles how to fly.

Share this quote on facebook Crazy Ernie: If nobody comes down here and buys a car in the next hour, I'm gonna club this baby seal! That's right. I'm gonna club this seal to make a better deal. You know I'll do it, too, cause I'm crazy!

Share this quote on facebook Richard Fletcher: [sarcastically, after having tripped up Noodles Macintosh] Awwwww, did I do that? Oopsie!

Share this quote on facebook Joe Earley: [after cutting off a finger with a table saw] Can you believe this?! Would you look at that! Just call me "Mr. Butterfingers"! I think it's on the floor somewhere. Is my face red.

Share this quote on facebook Sy Greenblum: [In the "Spatula City" advertising commercial] Hello, this is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City. I like the spatulas so much, I bought the company.

Share this quote on facebook Earl Ramsey: Gun control is for wimps and commies. Listen, let's get one thing straight. Guns don't kill people; I do!

Share this quote on facebook Teri: George Newman, you are a thoughtless, insensitive CREEP! From now on you can forget all my birthdays, because WE'RE THROUGH!

Share this quote on facebook Philo: Hello, my name is Philo and welcome to...[unfolds a piece of paper with the title written on it; recites title with echo effect] Secrets Of The Universe. [folds paper back up] Today we are going to learn how to make plutonium from common household items.

Share this quote on facebook Young book customer: [in a preview for "Conan the Librarian"] These books are a little overdue. [Conan slices him in two!!]

Share this quote on facebook Gandhi: Give me a steak, medium-rare.

Share this quote on facebook Kuni (and other karate experts): SUH-PLIIEES!!

Share this quote on facebook Noodles Macintosh: [having just vengefully stuck a foot out and tripped up Richard Fletcher, now throwing Richard Fletcher's sarcasm right back at him] Awwww... did I do that? Oopsie!

Share this quote on facebook Bob: How could you do this to me? I knew this was gonna happen.
George Newman: You're right, Bob. I'm sorry. What can I say? I-I'm a miserable worthless hunk of slime. Here, I want you to take this crowbar and just bash my head right in. Go ahead. Really. Just BASH my head right in.
Bob: George, you know I can't do that. You still owe me 5 bucks.

Share this quote on facebook George Newman: Hey, Kuni!
Kuni: Hiya, George!
George Newman: Beginner's class today, huh?
Kuni: Yeah! They're so stupid! [A karate student is thrown out the window, it smashes and he falls to the pavement] STUPID!!!

Share this quote on facebook R.J. Fletcher: You idiot! Can't you do anything I tell you to do?! Does this look like a Number 2 pencil?!
Richard Fletcher: No... but... I just thought --
R.J. Fletcher: You thought?! I don't [snaps pencil in two] pay you to think!
Richard Fletcher: But, Dad...
R.J. Fletcher: SHUT UP!

Share this quote on facebook R.J. Fletcher: Do you see anything missing from this desk?
Stanley Spadowski : [Snapping his finger and pointing] That stapler?

Share this quote on facebook George Newman: Did you have a good time in there, Stanley?
Stanley Spadowski: Yeah yeah. That was FUN.
George Newman: Great! How would you like to do that every day?
Stanley Spadowski: Yeah! That would be neat - WAIT A minute! Do I...still get to be the janitor?
George Newman: [Incredulously] Sure.
Stanley Spadowski: It's a DEAL!

Share this quote on facebook One of Fletcher's thugs: [Motioning towards George] Who is this guy?
George Newman: [As Stallone's Rambo] I'm your worst nightmare!

Share this quote on facebook George Newman: I need a drink.
Bob: But you don't drink.
George Newman: Yeah, but I've been meaning to start.

Share this quote on facebook R.J. Fletcher: You are a worthless human being, Mr., um...
Stanley Spadowski: Spadowski, sir. Stanley Spadowski.
R.J. Fletcher: [chuckles] Might I call you Stanley?
Stanley Spadowski: [chuckles] Okay...
R.J. Fletcher: Stanley, YOU'RE FIRED!!
Stanley Spadowski: But I-I-I didn't --
R.J. Fletcher: GET OUT!!

Share this quote on facebook Harvey Bilchik: [lounging in his pool, answering his phone] YYYYO! Hey, Big Louie! So, what's up?
Big Louie: Bad news, Mr. Bilchik. None of your horses came in.
Harvey Bilchik: Aw, gee, too bad. So, what's the damages?
Big Louie: Seventy-five thousand dollars.

Share this quote on facebook George Newman: Wait a minute... I think I'm missing something here.
R.J. Fletcher: Oh? Didn't I tell you? I own this place now.
George Newman: You what?!
R.J. Fletcher: What's the matter, kid, you got wax in your ears?
George Newman: But, my Uncle Harvey --
R.J. Fletcher: Harvey Bilchik is flying in tomorrow night to close the deal!

Share this quote on facebook Blind Guy: [Turns Rubik's Cube] Is this it?
Bum: Nope!
Blind Guy: [Turns Rubik's Cube Again] Is this it?
Bum: Nope!

Share this quote on facebook George Newman: HEY, KIDS! WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?
Kids: (Boring) To Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse!
George Newman: THAT'S RIGHT! I'M YOUR UNCLE NUTZY! AND BOY, OH BOY. WE ARE GOING TO HAVE SOME BIG FUN TONIGHT! Oh look and what in our kiddy corner. (To Billy) what's your name?
Billy: Uh, Billy.
George Newman: Billy what?
[Billy spits George Newman]

Share this quote on facebook Kuni: Today, One of these lucky contestant wins his or her weight of fish. Right here on......
Audience: WHEEL! OF! FISH!
Kuni: Okay, Let's play the game! We start with yesterday's winner, Mrs. Phyllis Weaver.

Share this quote on facebook Pamela Finklestein: [on phone] Yeah, but... yeah, but... "Broads don't belong in broadcasting?" Is that the kind of professional courtesy you teach your news department?
R.J. Fletcher: Why, that's a terrible thing. I don't know how many time I've told those boys, "never call chicks broads."
Pamela FInklestein: [incensed] Why, you slimy... ooh! [hangs up]

Share this quote on facebook Kuni: Ahhh, a red snapper. Mmmmm, very tasty. Okay, Weaver, listen carefully. You can keep your red snapper...[Hiro-San emerges, carrying a table with a box]...or you can go for what's in the box that Hiro-San is bringing down the aisle right now!!! What's it gonna be? [Phyllis Weaver decides between the Red Snapper and the box. The audience points to the box]
Phyllis Weaver: I'll take the box. The box! [the audience applauds]
Kuni: You took the box! Let's see what's in the box! [Hiro-san opens the box, and the audience gasps: the box is completely empty!] Nothing! Absolutely nothing! STUPID! You so STU-PIIIIIIIIIIID!

Share this quote on facebook Bob: I don't know about this, George. We don't know the first thing about what goes on in a television station.
George Newman: Don't worry, Bob. It's just like working in a fish-market. Except you don't have to clean and gut fish all day.

Share this quote on facebook Stanley Spadowski: George, you know I was wondering, like if you were traveling through outer space, I mean like you're going real fast, like the speed of light, you know... hoooohhhhh... and all of a sudden you started screaming... aaaahhhhh aaaaahhhhh... Do you think your brain would blow up?
Bob: Guys, I'm trying to work... Do you mind?
Stanley Spadowski: I don't mind. Go right ahead. Do you mind, George?

Share this quote on facebook R.J. Fletcher: This is an embarrassment! A disgrace! What do you think R.J. Fletcher Senior would be saying if he were alive today?
Richard Fletcher: "Help me out of this box, I can't breathe in here. Help, let me out."

Share this quote on facebook George Newman: Hey, kids. Where y'wanna go? [indifferent silence] That's right. To Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse. And boy-oh-boy, are we gonna have big fun today. We're gonna have so much fun, we'll forget about how miserable we are, and how much life sucks, and how we're all just gonna grow old and die someday.
Little Weasel: I wanna go home!
George Newman: Shut up, you little weasel! Okay. Right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons. It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit of a sadistic roadrunner who mocks him and laughs at him as he's repeatedly crushed and maimed! Hope you enjoy it!

Share this quote on facebook Timid Man: Can you tell me where I can find a book on astronomy?

Share this quote on facebook Conan the Librarian: [imitating Arnold Schwarzenegger] Don't you know the Dewey Decimal System?!

Share this quote on facebook Teri: What do you say, stranger?
George Newman: Teri, what are you doing here? I thought you never wanted to see me again.
Teri: Well whatever gave you that idea?
George Newman: Well, my first clue is when you told me you never wanted to see me again.

Share this quote on facebook Bob: Where did you find this guy?
George Newman: Me? I thought you hired him.

Share this quote on facebook Teri: George, did you get fired again?
George Newman: [banging his head against a counter] YES!!! YES, It's TRUE, IT'S ALL TRUE!! I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH MEEEEEEE!!!!!! [instantly changes his mood] So, what's for dinner? [takes a look at what's for dinner] Mashed potatoes?! My favorite! Teri, you shouldn't have!

Share this quote on facebook Pamela Finklestein: Yeah, so, can I help you?
George Newman: Hi, I'm George Newman. I'm the new station manager.
Pamela Finklestein: Ooooh! You know, when I first took this job, they told me that this position was only temporary, and that eventually, when the time was right, I would be moved up to news, which is really my forte. You know how long I've been working here? Two years! It's kind of hard to get promoted when every other week you have a new boss! This job really sucks! [sighs]
George Newman: [beat] This is my friend Bob.

Share this quote on facebook Bob: Well, I've got good news and bad news.
George Newman: OK, Let's have the bad news first.
Bob: Well, given our current financial status compounded with fixed income and outstanding invoices...I figure this station should be flat broke by the end of this week.
George Newman: What's the good news?
Bob: I lied. There is no good news.

Share this quote on facebook George Newman: What do you got there, Bob?
Bob: The Ratings
George Newman: Don't tell me we showed up on the list!
Bob: We're Number 1!
George Newman: Say What?!?
Bob: We beat the networks. This is unbelievable. Look at these notes. We got three shows in the top 5. Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse went through the roof. Do you know what this means? We're finally going to make some real money. George, We are the number 1 station in town!
[They both scream for excitement]
Announcer: There's lots of fun coming your way this weekend on U-62. First slam your way to health as you Stay Fit with Mike and Spike! Next, Everybody's favorite: Chef Bernie invites to go Bowling for Burgers! Sunday, Be a part of the excitement as we premiere our dazzling new game show, Strip Solitaire! And then, Join us for hilarious fun on The All New Practical Jokes and Bloopers! And you won't want to miss Celebrity Mud Wrestling with special guest: McCall Contraband! It's a whole new weekend on U-62, The reason television was invented!
Stanley Spadowski: Be there! [chuckles]

Share this quote on facebook Stanley Spadowski: George? What's wrong, George?
George Newman: Stanley, you don't want to know.
Stanley Spadowski: [Looking genuinely puzzled] Why'd I ask? [Back to George] Is there anything I can do to help?
George Newman: Not unless you've got seventy-five thousand dollars on you.
Stanley Spadowski: [While searching carefully through a few crumpled pieces of currency] No, sorry.

Share this quote on facebook Bum: Hey, Mister!
George Newman: Not now, okay?
Bum: Well, I was just wondering if it was too late to buy any of them shares. [produces a large wad of money] I'll take whatever you got left!
George Newman: [amazed] How much is that?
Bum: Two thousand dollars, heh heh heh! Keep your change!

Share this quote on facebook R.J. Fletcher: Hey, what's going on here?
Harvey Bilchik: [preparing to sign a document George has produced] Heh heh heh!
R.J. Fletcher: Now wait just a minute! What do you think you're doing?
George Newman: [triumphantly showing the document Harvey Bilchik has just signed to the crowd] We did it! The station's ours!

Share this quote on facebook R.J. Fletcher: You can't do this! We had an agreement, remember?! An oral contract! I'll sue!
Harvey Bilchik: Aw, blow it out your ear, scuzzbag!

Share this quote on facebook R.J. Fletcher: [laughing smugly with a present in hand] Aw, Richard. You shouldn't have.
Richard Fletcher: Happy Fathers Day, Daaaad.
R.J. Fletcher: [looks in the box, throws the present back at his son] What is this piece of crap?! I thought I told you I wanted a Rolex! A Rolex! [a knock on R.J.'s office door] What?!
[A station employee opens the door cautiously and sheepishly, wearing a large white cowboy hat with a big feather band and a raccoon tail.]
Station Employee: Sir?
R.J. Fletcher: What do you want?
Station Employee: I just thought I ought to tell you sir, that there's been a lot of talk on the street about this Channel 62. They're... they're starting to get a pretty strong following.
R.J. Fletcher: Excuse me? Did you say Channel 62?
Station Employee: Uh huh...
R.J. Fletcher: Do I have to remind you, that we are a network affiliate? And we are in competition with other networks, not with a bunch of punks, broadcasting out of a closet!
Station Employee: But, s..s..s..
R.J. Fletcher: Do you enjoy wasting my time? Get out of my office! [employee starts to leave] And take that ridiculous thing off!
[The station employee stops, waits a minute, then takes off...his mustache and leaves!]

Share this quote on facebook John Vector: R.J. Fletcher?
R.J. Fletcher: So what if I am?
John Vector: I'm John Vector, FCC. I've noticed your station is late in filing its license renewal this year. Now normally this kind of violation is punishable by a stiff fine. But I've been watching you lately, you made a big impression on me! Yeah, I am revoking your license. Effective immediately, you're off the air!

Share this quote on facebook TV as it was meant to be seen. In a movie theater.

Share this quote on facebook A lot of TV stations have forgotten what "quality" means. But not Channel 62. They NEVER knew what it meant.

Share this quote on facebook It's crazy. It's zany. It's hysterical. It's TV according to "Weird Al" Yankovic.